hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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