so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
