hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
