I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
