If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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