he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
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when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
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I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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