Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.