You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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