Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
