dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
