im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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