Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
