If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
