worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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