I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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