Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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