when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
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His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
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PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
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