she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
