I CAN MOONWALK!
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
