You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
