we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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