Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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