Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
