There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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