The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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