I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
