my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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