if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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