that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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