The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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