I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
