I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
