I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
