Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
