I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
