A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
