mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
