upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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