I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
