Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
