also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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