I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
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