dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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