11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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