Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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