He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
