I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
