Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
