The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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