God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
