i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
