I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
