i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
