Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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