a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
