before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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