thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
